Talking seems so meaningless.
Teaching is a hassle
Follow every herder that comes along with a cane.
Live in fear of change
Stay in the same safety of routine such as I do
Lately I have been standing on this wooden pulpit saying anything that comes to mind. But I feel as though I will not be heard. I can just sit in my cubicle and write a blog for people I will never meet in hopes to make them think about my emotions. finally I asked for a shoulder last night and the only one I thought would be able to calm me down, just talked quick to get off the phone.
Here are the things that have plagued my mind. Its sad that I have to turn to the internet to release my feelings.
1. Death – Death has always been a difficult subject for me because I have had very few deaths in my family. I have lost two friends while being a teenager and as though I know they will be in a better place then earth. They have the opportunity to get away from all the hardships. I embrace my own death, but I fear others. I don’t want to miss anyone. I don’t want to be alone. [new blog about this coming soooon…]
2. Parents – my parents are very smart and good people. They are both full of good intentions. However, they both have been raised in traditional families. I have never been like the other kids growing up. I do not think the same, act, or talk like the other children. My parents always had me embrace who I am, and to be myself. I have been friends with an aray of people like: hoocies, thugs, punks, preps, religious folk, drug addicts, homeless, gothic, and all races. My parents and others have said that I have a gift for loving everyone and to not be judgmental on what people do, but for who they are. I know that one of my favorite things in my life is the people I know, and the things they have taught me.
but my mom is looking out for me and wants me excell in life. She acts and says that she understands why I hangout with the people that I do, but she wants me to only date return missionaries of the LDS religion** that have never drank or done drugs and haven’t had a ‘mess up’ in their lives. But I don’t want to date these people
I want to date people that make me happy. that I can understand and learn from. And I am only 19. I am still a kid. The thought of dating to marry sounds ubsurd! I have so much life to live and chalanges to overcome. I know she is looking out for me, but I need to learn for myself and not feel as though I am doing something personal just to make her happy. My mom and I fight a lot about religion but…
3. Religion – Religion is belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator and governor of the universe.
I know that faith is YOUR belief in something., not what others tell you to believe. You cant take something and shove it down someones throat, and expect them not to choke on it. I am of the Latter day Saint religion. I believe that the Book of Mormon is apart of the True word of God. I can have anyone tell me I am wrong and I will not mind. I still love them too. So ha! I know that I do makeout with Catholic school boys, and have a nose ring but that has not changed my view on my beliefs and I love to speak casually about religion, and how I follow "wait Angel, you’re a virgin? Why the heck are you a virgin? Sex feels good" "I know John Doe, that’s what I hear, but I believe that virginity is a gift you can only give once and that person should be your eternal husband"
I don’t see how my mother could see me speaking openly and highly about our religion, but I guess i just have to live with that.
These ones, coming soon….
4. Acceptance / people in general --i love so many people and i care about everyone i come across and i do my best to not have any form of anger to strangers. but some people i wish i could throw off a cliff. like scene girls that stare me down. ooh ahh im holding hands with a kid thats wearing plaid pants and a leather coat. my hair isnt black. mind your own dang business. im a rebel, against the norm more then any of you good charlotte pirate hookers becasue i DONT look like you. scene girls are this generations cheerleaders and guys with guitars are the prom kings. im tired of people saying "you work at lo fi? you listen to bury your dead?" what like my ears cant heargood music through my blonde hair force field?
5. Boys --drama. unreliabe. fake. lost. inmature. i have had a million boyfriend 'dated' plenty and i can say in all honesty, only 2 have not turned into shit eaters at the end.
im not asking for someone to call me everyday to see how im doing. i dont want someone that wants to hangout all the time. all i want is a best friend that i can cuddle with and write songs about. i want him to be weird. i want him to have quirks and flaws. i want to see him cry and i want him to yell at me. he's got to have black hair. and he cant be all clean shaven all the time. i want him to be greasy from time to time. i want to be able to call him at 4 in the morning to tell him im sorry for making a dent in his car. and he needs to tease me about it for months. i want him to be utterly suprised in everything i do, and not think im crazy. i want him to accept that i wear batman pajamas. or that i wear bandannas and baggy jeans. and he cant fall in love with me. just love me, and if i move outa state or country, i want him to date my friends. cause a guy like that, you gotta share.
so if your out there, dont come around untill 2010,, cause i'll ask you to marry me and by then i would be outa college.
6. Mind games -- girls are drama and should be thrown in lava. please stop calling me. i dont know who your boyfriend is. i dont want him [whoever he is] i dont care. get a life and grow up. i like two guys right now named Mitch and Jack, and if they're not your boyfriend.. then go away! i am friends with plenty of guys that doesnt mean i want them. im picky, and i dont picky your boy.
and guys that play mind games. i dont care. i act like i care. but i dont. its a 'game' i play too. oh how fun.
7. Friends --i've got true friends and use friends. all use friends do is walk all over you to get what they want outa ya. i think thats lame and i hope soemday you'll realise theres more to life then people by numbers
8. Medicine -- dont take it, it only makes it worse!
9. Drinking -- gay, still havent and never will. but i am sick of people asking me why not? well , i dont want to act like you silly! i dont want to lower myself and there is no point in starting an addictive personality.
10. Drugs -- GAY!
11. Sex -- is stupid. i am a virgin. i like boys but i do not want to do something i will regret. and whats the point sex only last a few minutes and a baby, STD and emotional dependency are for life. i have so much i am doing right now, regarding my future and who i am and i, in no possible way want to effect myself and alter my views. sex is dumb.
12. Angel – i am what i am. and no matter how many fans or ememies i get along the way, it wont matter. im alive at this moment so i am going to live it in the way i would want to. and if i die i want to make sure my story is closed and the book finished. just be a legend "remember that Angel girl? she was a nut"
and thats all i ask for. i want to teach and be taught by good real people, religious, atheist, black white, tattood, gangta, i dont care just as lon as i wont be rolling in my grave wanting more. and be content with the knowlage i have come across.