Happy Brthday to Me, New Age

i am twenty-one years old.
it makes my stomach turn. When i was little, i thought women my age had it all. Here i am, staring at the monitor, with a face mask on, googling Marie Antoinette.

Maybe I looked at life with too much endless possibilities. My optimistic, fantasy of seeing the world is just a day dream to make time go by while I try to make a dime at my mundane job. This is not what I had in mind of who I would be at Twenty-one.

I am not impressed with myself, it hurts to be honest,. But its true. I am not jealous of the people I meet who is paid to travel, but envious.

The friends I have. I do not have a set group. One friend is not friends with others. I don't have someone I can just call up to hangout. This "birthday" has also been an eye opener of who my true friends are. Especially when most of the people that ask me for favors and call me "friend" did not even wish me a happy birthday I know I shouldnt be counting. But it sucks.

I have decided that the farther you are from high school, the less friends you have. Maybe thats why everyone gets married, they are lonely. Its pathetic.

I am bitter.

Who needs friends anyway. I will pay my bills then leave here. Its useless to keep planting crops, watering, and then praying the work will pay off.

I've tried too hard. I don't date much because I figured out it wasent about finding someone to care for. It is a way to state your claim on a long-term piece of ass.

Now I am under the impression it's the same way of friends. Someone to entertain. All I am is an entertainer.

Keep me around until you want something fresh to waste time with. Someone to complain to, to borrow money from. Then want change. Then that is where friendship ends. I notice I have a magnet to find people without identity. Pessimistic, whiny people that need fun and stability. Thats where I fit in. I fix the problems. And when I have a problems, these shitty humans are no where to be found.

This is my problem, I am too laid back about everything that I havent noticed im the only one who puts friendship on a pedestal is me. I make it a priority. Now, im going to stop giving a fuck. Its about me now. You only have so much time in this world. Then its over. This is now about seeing Shanghai and Easter Island. Getting a dog and black hair.

Usually at the end of my rants I ask if anyone wants to join. But you all can go to hell. You are human and no one have proved there'

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